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[Snowpocalypse] Where oh Where is Hadden? (H 4.7, S 4.4)
To Silica:
After a short drive east to Monroe Harbor (because I just know you aren't heading to the Pier... right?), you take the truck down to the ice. Gotta be nice, cruising along in this thing instead of the long walk, right?
You reach one of the few catacomb-like tunnels to the surface, park, and head down. Where did you pick, Silica? Heading through the Underlake Mines? Making a beeline for Market?
After a short drive east to Monroe Harbor (because I just know you aren't heading to the Pier... right?), you take the truck down to the ice. Gotta be nice, cruising along in this thing instead of the long walk, right?
You reach one of the few catacomb-like tunnels to the surface, park, and head down. Where did you pick, Silica? Heading through the Underlake Mines? Making a beeline for Market?
Comments
Where do you park a truck? I don't know.... where's Hadden park the thing? Yeah, right there.
I don't wanna go through the mines so we'll head through the market. Got my incognito getup on, hair tucked under my hood and down my back, shades.
Guess I just wanna find Hadden... cause... I don't know. Feels like thats what I do thses days, that's what I've done with my days.
I feel strangely serene, and my mind is pretty loose as I walk... tryin' not to stress out, tryin' not to stand out.
Alright, you come walking into market, keeping a low profile. Folks are nervous, you can tell that easy. Odd looks, lots of guards, suspicion high. Are you heading on to Hadden's home, or asking around?
Feels weird, being down here again like this on my own. I have a little sly smile I can't explain and some kind of unexplained confidence in my step. Like... like...
Shit I'm a terrible person... I shake my head and know I should feel shitty but I just don't.
I'll ask after him, someone I'm sure I don't know... a woman. "Hey I'm lookin' for Hadden of underlake. Do you fuckin'... uh... do you know him?"
The lady, her name's Orage, she sells curious, she looks at you, then answers, "I know Hadden, knowed him since he was teeny. He's good man. What do you want from him?"
Oh... uh. He was teeny? I almost laugh trying to imagine.
"Just got some business for the boss baller," I keep it cool, bite my lip to keep from giggling. "You know where he at?"
Orage purses her lips, like she's not sure how mouthy to be. Finally, she says, "Hadden was here in Market just a bit ago. There was a gang o' surface folk, reall assholes. Three o' theirs were makin trouble, and so Merrel's Boys took 'em away. Then their big bossman, some fella who I heard was part o' the gang attacks on ole Squirrel, well he shows up with like a dozen bastards. But Hadden, he talks 'em down. Nobody's as smooth as old Hadden!" She smiles a grin with a couple missing teeth, "He's good man. So much like his poppa."
She smacks her lips after her tale, "I think he went on back home, to the Hamlet. You can look for 'im up there."
She had me worried there for a big, asshole gang makin' trouble? But yeah, that sounds like Haddie. Talk 'em down... guess he's got his shit back.
But... is that Stinky's sledders? Fuck them
"That right? Fuck... Haddie's got a helluva tongue on him right?" I smile, maybe it's obvious that I know him personally... well.. maybe not. I'm not sure how she can see. "Keep it real, sista," I add before hurrying on my way.
Complimenting Hadden seems to have lightened her mood. You agreeing with her does a bit more, but then you're gone. Heading off to Hamlet. You know the way, this is how Hadden took you before. Easy enough, just winding through old passageways towards the candlelights that decorate their bright green door.
A few knocks, and the door is answered by none other than Lashfight. She peers at you for a moment, not seeming to recognize you right off, but you can tell she can almost place you...
"What is it? Delivery or something?" she asks in her particular manner.
What the fuck, girl, this is the shirt you gave me!
"Uhhh... just lookin' for Haddie, supposed to be on the job..." I must look a little confused. Usually ain't this hard to find him... I break a little smile though, tuggin' at the hoodie a little between two finger, "guess it's workin, right?"
Lashfight focuses on you, then grins back. "huh.... well shit, man. And my own shirt.!" She playfully slaps your arm, dropping her voice to share, "I am sooooo baked!" Then she giggles, which sounds odd from her, like unpracticed.
"My asshole brother aint around." Lashfight says, "C'mon in, just me here. Want some food, or, you know, some bud or somethin?"
I make a hmmm face and nibble my lip. "You doin' fuckin' broccoli, girl?" I look up and back, "I'm guessin' your brotha ain't cool with that..." but I smile.
"I'll come in for a bite," I take a step but stop, a hand on the edge of the door jamb, "but I am not fuckin' you, alright? Seriously..." I look her in the eye on this one, it's not really a joke.
"Better weed than ice, bitch." Lashfight replies with a sneer. But then she snickers. "Grab some couch," she says as she heads back towards the kitchen.
She looks right back and gives you a patented smart-ass smile, "And as for fuckin you, you aint my type, string bean!"
I assume you do have a sit? After a minute of rummaging around, she brings out some cold cuts of fish, some bread and a bit of soup, all cold. And a couple beers. "Leftovers of the finest variety for my junkie friend."
She takes a seat on the couch near you, but not really near you. "What's up with Hadden? And you?"
Patented? Hell no... yeah yeah, ok, I'm skinny... you try livin' without a roof over your fuckin' head and see how fat you get.
"Sure I'll bite that," I say, walkin in and slipping onto the couch from the back. Feet up on the coffee table or whatever-the-fuck. Pretty sure I shouldn't like Lashfight but I really do like her.
I take a slice of fish and start eatin' when she asks about Hadden, "we been out scavvin' the yards, you know? But uh... kinda misplaced him overnight. Hear there's some trouble with the sledders or some shit... sounds like he handled it." I shrug, you know, like I appreciate how Hadden handles things, "Just need'ta hook back up with 'im."
I lick a bit of fish off my hand, eyeing a beer but not taking one, "so the fuck's up with you, girl? You ever leave this shack?"
While you're talking, Lashfight pulls out a small cloth pouch and a set of rolling papers. She starts whipping up a doobie as you're talking. You ask if she ever leaves while she is licking the edge and rolling it. She chuckles, "Yeah, I do, asswipe. I do a bunch of shit. Well... I did. But now that Tindy's in fucking jail and Mom's... wherever mom is, I'm cleaning the fucking place and it completely suuuuucks."
She pulls a zippo out and flicks it a few times, not quite firing it up easy.
"Pfft," I scoff playfully, "'least you got a place to fuckin' clean, right?"
I see her havin' trouble with the lighter and hold out a hand as if to catch it, "hey lemme see that." If I'm good at anything doin' all the shit I've done. It's lightin' a lighter.
She tosses the Zippo over, then grabs up her joint. You light the Zippo with just the right flick of your wrist and she leans over, the joint in her mouth, holding your wrist still with her off-hand.
"Whatever," she answeres as she sucks in a breath, pulling the flame to light the joint. Then she takes in a puff, blows it all in your face. The smoke has a strong odor, but you've smelled worse. Do you cough? Does it hurt your eyes?
"Contact high, bitch." Lashfight says as she chuckles at your reaction. Then she leans back. After a minute, she seems much calmer. Takes another hit, "Seriously, you want some?" She offers the joint.
"So, you after Hadden then?"
Gotta laugh, this girl talks nice. Makes me smile.
I'll take a hit of the joint, sitting up to take it from her then leaning way back to drag on it, feet up along the edge of the sofa like it belongs to me.
I hand it back before answering.
"Yeah he's my bread and butta..." I shrug, "but he up an'disappeared... that ain't on me right? I can chillax my ass." I look up at Lashie... she's cool.
Must be what it's like to actually have a sister that sticks around.
Lashfight snorts, "Bitch, you are dense," and slaps your thigh. "I mean, like after him? You never answered me before dumbass barged into my room." She's asking like a gossip, not really accusing you, more like curious, or wanting to confirm what she suspects.
She takes another hit, holds it in, then blows it towards you, "Because you beat the shit out of that shitbird K2 and her nicey nice suck-up to Mimsy. K2... shit man, she is SUCH a little two-faced bitch."
Wow... they got some kinda thing goin' on huh. I play it casual, breathin' in her smoke. I gesture with a hand as I talk, "baby loke been all up in my business these days, too... gotta ride along right?" Does she know Kaykay's been working with us? Probably. "Girl just needs'ta chill the fuck out."
Enough said... I lean forward again, "hey lemme get another hit o'that dodja..."
Lashfight sits up and moves away from you a little, holding the joint away, like taunting you, "Whoah there, Sil. Answer my fucken question, you get a hit. Are you on my brothers "been there, done that" list?" She's smiling that permasmile.
Yeah well... I lean back down into the seat and lower my hand.
I smile and flash her my personable middle finger with a little sideways grin, "hey fuck you, Lashie, I ain't answerin' questions for treats." I settle back against the sofa and hesitate just long enough to enjoy her expression.
"Haddie ain't fucked this shit... ok? We ain't nothin..." Kind of sad to hear myself say it but maybe that's the way it is...
"Fine fuckin' ass on that motherfucker but," I shrug it off and laugh, "but we're strictly professional... alright?"
Lashfight rolls her eyes at the ass comment. "Nobody talks about MY ass... fucken."
Then the front door opens. Hadden and his brother Slash walk in.
Slash walks past both of you for the kitchen. He's got a string of birds on a wire, dead ones he shot with that nice rifle.
I'm still envisioning assmuch with a shotty up the shitter, so I'm in a slightly silly mood. The cloud of weed coming out the door might help.
"You gotta shake that monkeymaker so's people talk about it, Lashfight." I kinda snap my fingers, once.
"How goes, Silica?" I'm wondering where she's been, if there's trouble, and why K2's not attached at her hip. How high are these two? Is Silica trying to fuck my sister now? "You staying for supper?" And I give a look to Lashfight like heya sis, "I'm gonna dress those birds."
I watch Hadden's Brother walk past, my head turning as he goes... lookin hot... brother huh? Then Haddie walks in and you know he's lookin' at me like that and it's a little startling.
I sit up a little bit, "I ain't fuckin' high Haddie!" I sort of blurt out sounds probably too defensive. I smile and gesture at his sista with one hand, "just chillin out... you know? Couldn't find your ass anywhere..."
Yeah, it's his fault... that's good.
he goes walking towards the kitchen, "everything good wit'cha?"
Oh hey, those birds... you notice one of them is a snow owl.
I smile at Haddie and then try and catch one last glimpse of hs brother but then I see that...
Is that...?
I just stare for the second it takes for him to pass into the kitchen and out of sight... suddenly I get up and all but run to the fuckin' kitchen. Why the fuck do I care? Fuck... ok fuck it... I just gotta know... there's more than one owl in fht fuckin' world.. right? Can't be...
I push ahead of Hadden, probably and get right in there.
That's weird, why's our little icewalker so defensive? I'm about to say something about asses and the finding thereof then she runs after Slash like he's got the antidote. I look at Lash with my mouth half-open. "What did I do now?"
Lashfight shrugs, then offers, "You're an asshole?" She laughs, then reaches the joint your way. How is Mimsy about the bud?
To Silica:
You some right in the kitchen as Slash lays down the first bird, a hawk of some kind or other. The snow owl is on the string with the others. For a moment, you're thinking this is the bird. But then, maybe the eyes are wrong? It's not like you're a bird-ologist or whatever. It's the same kind of bird. Looks like Lunch. Gonna be lunch (it's lunch somewhere in the world, amirite?)
Probably not him. Or her. Did you ever check?
Yes, I fuckin' know Lunch from another bird. Stupid thing's been followin' me all the fuck over right? Even took a shot at it once when it got close enough to my bait... took half a feather off the left wing. I'd know Lunch if I seen it. But Lunch... if my sister's to be believed, kind of saved my ass right? Led her to me? Can that be for real?
I hesitate just for a moment in the door and say simply to Slash, "hey..." before lookin' down at the birds.
Any-fuckin-way I march right on up to the string of birds and lift the owl up in one hand, extend the wing out with the other... probably got a fuckin' stupid-worried look on my face.
Can't hardly fuckin' look.
It isn't him. Maybe it's some other ice-walker chick's magic bird. But it aint yours. Slash is looking at you funny, though. "You know... I take the feathers off first usually." He's deadpan, but you think he's being funny.
I roll my eyes like bitch, laugh right with her, say "Love you too, sis." I'll take a little half-hit off the roach, I don't want to get high high if I'm about to be dressing the birds. Mom's not against the bud, better weed than H, amirite? But she's not a fan of getting stupid high. I tussle Lashfight's hair and head to the kitchen to see what the fuck I stepped in this time.
Relieved.... I finally let out the breath I've been holding and drop the bird to sway on its string and lean back against the table there and say under my breath, "holy shit..." A little laugh at myself for looking so fuckin' stupid...
And I finally remember to look up at Slash, I do a little mock-laugh, "ha-hah.... real funny..."
Then Hadden comes on in to find me leanin' there with his brotha.
I raise my eyebrow a bit, Silica actually looks relaxed for a bit there. "Everything okay?" I'm looking at both of them, like what the what?
Here's Slash, by the way:
Hadden asks and I glance up at Slash for a second, then a little-too-big smile and back to Hadden. A thought I really... really should not be having runs through my head and I actually blush slightly.
"Soo..." I say, tilting my head and looking at Hadden, "you guys are brothers, huh?" I twirl a finger through my hair, "You uh... need any fuckin' help in here?"
Best Idea I've ever had.
Slash shrugs, like "this is your whatever-she-is" to you, Hadden. He starts pulling feathers off the hawk, but yeah, Silica, he's looking over at you a little.
Oh, really.
Is that a blush I spy? "These birds need pluckin' and dressin'. Many hands make for light work." I can't talk in fullness about plans here right this moment anyway. I look at Slash, like we can talk laterz. Then I think I catch him giving her the once-over, and I have a thought I really shouldn't be having.
"You any good in the kitchen, Silica?" I say, a mite too innocently.
Slash shrugs like "cute". But you also get a vibe like "but hey, not gonna fight, you saw her first, so she's all yours, bro".
I shrug back like, it's complicated. But he also gets a vibe like "she's clued in to the plans, bro."
He nods, pursed lips, like, "Good." Then he glances at her ass. What little there is of it. But before she catches him, he's on the bird again.
Little bit of weed speakin, of course... like Hadden said. Not totally blasted but a little bit takes the edge off.
"Pfft.." I do that little dismissive wave thing, "yeah, sure... I cook like a motherfucker."
I don't... I can feed myself but you wouldn't call it cooking... meat on a stick kind of shit. But how hard can it be?
"I bet you do. I'm always up for learning new tricks in the kitchen." Is she giving me the eyes, or Slash?
I'm holding a couple things in my brain at the same time. Plucking the feathers helps to line everything up. Slash, the hunter, luring cockmonger out like a rabbit. Rossi, the angel of vengeance and force, swooping down to crush. Silica right here, being all distractingly interesting. Lashfight, sharing a joint like she don't hate me for once. Mom, who won't be on board with my plan. Tindy, alone. K2, doing whatever the fuck she pleases... and where is my minitruck? Handplant, giving me a look I might deserve. Lemma, I still gotta get with Lemma for the long-term-big-picture plans. Plus all the other, regular gig stuff.
"Hey Slash, you still like the spicy? My last scav run with Silica and K2 paid off pretty well." I produce one of those bottles of Louisiana Hot Sauce from the crate.
Silica, you may talk a good game, but pulling feathers off a bird is something that takes some practice. Without asking, at one point, Slash reaches his hands around you, takes hold of yours, and simply shows you how to pluck them. "It's a trick. Looks easy, but then most tricks are. But then, once you know, it is easy." He's got sure hands, and he's not rubbing up on you or anything. It's not so bad, is it?
Hadden, you catch Slash showing Silica how to work the bird (no really), and it's sort of like a family thing, right? He sees the hot sauce and nods, "Hell yeah. Let's give these birds a kick!"
Fuck, I suck at this... self conscious. Hope nobody notices... but... yeah. Obvious.
Yeah that ain't bad at all. Feel that breath through my hair and everything... I make sure to glance up at him a few times. Maybe my cheek rubs against the soft skin of his neck. yeah not so bad... I answer him, "yeah... ok... you better show me again."
I nod to Hadden at the thought of something spicy, nestled in there beneath his brother's chin. "That sounds good..."
I watch her react, usually she's so odd about being touched. Maybe it's the weed, chillaxing her. And yeah, it's not weird to me. But I wonder if she really picks up on the assumed acceptance and inclusion. Then she's like, "play it again, sam" and she probably catches me hiding a smile and playing innocent. I'm just plucking dinner here. But I'm looking at her.
Not gonna cockblock my bro, but I do wonder where my minitruck is. I grin. "We got two whole bottles, spicy it will be!"
Pity I can't just poison nutless.
Slash looks over at you, his head above Silica's so she can't see. He's got this look that's a mix of "holy shit, is this girl into me?" and "dude, she's yours, I didn't mean to... okay, maybe I did a little".
And a little bit of "sorry".
"I gotta buy some of that weed off Lashfight," I mutter. I give Slash a look like, dude, I'm as surprised as you.
Didn't I just like two days ago ask Silica if she wanted to fuck me and didn't get an answer? I wonder if she did fuck Lashfight.
Slash talks to the top of your head, Silica, his voice is a little on the husky side, but he's trying to keep it light, "You're staying... for eats, right, Silica?"
"I hope she stays for dessert," I quip.
Hadden gets a little smile out of me with that one, as I look at him across the table and then down at Slash's hands on my wrists or whatever as he guides me. Fuck it's gettin' hot in here...
"Yeah... I'm stayin," I look up at Slash, he got a little smile on his face?
Then I lower my head and look at Hadden, "Maybe for dessert..." little nibble of the lip.
Damn this feels good... he even smells a little like Hadden... I'm a little high, sure... gets to me. And you know... I haven't been fucked proper in a long damn time.
She's doing that lip thing again. I definitely gotta get some of that weed off Lashfight. But twice now I've put it out there for her and she doesn't respond. I'm looking at her blue blue eyes and wondering what she's like between the sheets.
I'm done with the bird, set it aside. I give Slash a look like, dude bro, kinda want to call dibs here, but let's see how dinner goes.
I suddenly think of Squirrel. Maybe one of Rossi's gang might be into his tunes.
When Silica slips out of Slash's "embrace" and you give him the dibs look, he does that subtle nod of his.
To Both:
Shall we skip to dinner?
Yeah you know, this ain't bad. Eventually I spill out of Slash's hands and keep helping as best I can for a while... eventually I probably just end up standin' there looking awkward. I really don't know the first shit about real cooking.
But this is good, yeah... wherever I end up I have trouble standing still, little wiggly or somethin'... yeah.
Dinner. Sure.
When I see her looking awkward, I keep her busy. Simple stuff so she feels part of the process, but nothing she couldn't do. This is the second time I've made dinner for her now? Seems like a long time ago.
I can't do Slash's move, "show" her how to cook, but I try to clue her in. She catches me checking out how wiggly she is, I don't hide it.
Not looking forward to everyone at dinner, really. Let's do this.
Alone with Silica. "About this time, by my count, a polar bear should crash through the front door, right?" I'm working on the meat and rice and cukes.
Slash leaves the room and I like... relax a step, leaning against the table from Hadden to look at him.
He says... what the fuck? I just start giggling, "what the fuck Hadden? There ain't a wild polar bear for like... forever..."
Ice breaker?
"Haddie you are so weird."
I have a satisfied smile as she giggles. "You've never seen a polar bear? They fight 'em in Giordano's pits out by Palmer's." Dicing some cukes, so I'm only a quick glance at her. I shrug a little. "I'm just me."
Making piles of stuff on the cutting board. "You doin' okay?" I put my eyes on hers.
I lean my ass on my hands, keepin an eye on the door. I return his look for a couple seconds but have trouble keeping it. Look down, but keep glancing.
"Yeah... but you know..." I swallow, "I don't think I should work with Kaykay any more..." I do look at him now, to see what his reaction is.
Time to do the green onions. I move the knife about, not expertly, but familiar. She's always at a remove, it seems.
I kinda nod, a little sadly. "I don't know what I was thinking, Silica, trying to have the three of us working together. I hoped we could be cool... but I'm a doofus. Too much tension all round." And I meet her eyes again, dial down the intensity a bit, maybe she'll open up. "You want to talk about it?"
I shrug, shaking my head sadly, "you know it right? All fucked up..." he can definitely see that there's more but you know... Kaykay was ok to me for once in our lives and maybe she does have a future with Hadden... I don't want to tell him what she did. I can do her that favor right?
A deep breath, "I didn't mean to fuck things up between you... Hadden... shit... why am I gettin' all serious." I try to laugh, the atmosphere in here has been so good. I don't want to fuckin think about that shit.
I don't want to push it. I feel like even that much was hard for her. "It's work to keep people together. Make 'em happy without the small insults piling up. Try to, like weave people together, for strength, you know?" Tomatoes? Nah, the hot sauce says it has tomatoes in it. Gotta get the rice started. "I hate to tell you, Silica, but even I fuck up occasionally. I don't think it was you." I look away. That wasn't so easy. I'm not so bummed as I was, you know, the day K2 fucking dumped me for Silica, but it's still a tender spot, ish. "Nothing wrong with seriousness, life can't always be skittles and beer." She's looking flighty again. Change gear.
Breathe the stew, stir, smell it, taste it, stir again. I hold out the spoon to her. "Taste this?" The tiniest tip of my tongue is between my lips.
Quietly I listen. I could listen to Hadden just talk for like... forever. Talk about tomatoes, Hadden, sounds like fuckin' music.
I lean across and touch it with my tongue, my eyes widen. "Holy shit!" I take a breath through my teeth and make an obvious spicy-face. "But it's good... yeah?"
"Beer would be good with this, but what the fuck are skittles..." just some crazy weird shit like Hadden says... "You don't always eat this good do you Hadden? Somethin' goin on? this shit ain't for me right?"
It don't escape my attention she don't dwell on about who fucked up what. "I dunno if it's good, yeah? I axed you, yeah?" A tease there, her own words.
"It's from some old song. McEgg told me it's candy. Zillions of them, sweet as sweet, and colors like coming off an icebow."
I give her a curious look, I don't get it. "Hunting's not always great. But there's always fish, some veg, whatnot potatoes from growers. Rice is a bit of a treat." I got a break in the timing of shit, couple ten minutes before the next bit of culinary orchestra takes its mark. I fold my arms. Lean back a bit. "Do you not want it? Too spicy to handle? I told you you were always welcome at my table, Silica. Remember?" I blink lazily. "Dessert or not." I'm watching her reaction, hell, I'm watching all of her.
He don't know how good he's got it. I smile and look around the room, another world.
He tells me about skittles, "that's crazy shit... wish I could fuckin' eat that..." I look up, imaging. lick my lips a little, then suddenly something pops into my head, "but you know what I fuckin' want? I wanna eat fuckin' marshmallows. You ever heard of that shit? They're like..." I hold a hand up sort of measuring between my fingers and squeezing, "you know... squishy... I don't fuckin' know. I just wanna try 'em... you know just one fuckin' time!"
Hard not to smile... he goes on about his table and a little bit more. I have my little sly little closed-lipped grin on my face. "I can handle it... whatever you got, ok?" We're talkin' food here, but also something else.
Watchin' him watch me... damn Hadden... if you want this fuckin' take it.
Too right she could handle getting nailed to the mattress all night. She knows I want her. She can't not. "Marshmallows, I'll keep an eye out. Now that I know what you want, I can give it to you." Yeah, like I'm talking about food. These marshmallow things sound weird, though.
I'm aware of the rice pot, but I'm not taking my eyes off her. I walk around to the other side of the table, close enough that she would still need to move closer. "Anything else you want, Silica?" Why the fuck is it so hard getting a straight answer out of her?
"Bullshit, there ain't no more marshmallows, no more skittles or fuckin' 'nila wafers... whatever he fuck that is, right?" I laugh a little and look up at his eyes but he's givin' me this laser-scope look. He comes closer, I stay put though. I ain't fuckin' coming to you Hadden... but damn, his eyes are intense. He's watchin' me hard like it matters. Why the hell?
"I'm all good Hadden... just gettin' by right?" Ok here's the deal... I feel pretty good about myself. I have since I left HP's really. Like... I feel like me again, kinda different, but me. Maybe shit's not out of control any more right? But there's shit going on inside my head... wtf kind of shit... I want to fuckin' tell him but how the hell do you even bring that up?
I look sidelong at him and open my mouth like to say somethin, almost laugh actually... instead this weird nervous smile flashes across my face and shows my teeth for a second before I remember to hide them. Stained blue in the cracks and weirdly translucent, "there's somethin' goin' on with me Hadden..." doesn't come across like it's something good.
The smile is dead gone. I said it... there, I fuckin' said something about it... whatever the fuck it is.
Dear Rossi, your sister confuses the hell out of me. Love, Hadden.
I do some blinks as she makes me shift mental gears. She's got a totally different vibe coming off her, and I really really wonder what the actual fuck is going on in her mind. For an icewalker, she really runs hot and cold.
I break my gaze to check on the rice, couple five more minutes.
Something's for real going on. I wonder if she's on the run from some other gang, or if this is what's up with K2 and she, or maybe she wrecked the minitruck. Naw, I think she'd be a lot more nervous if so. "Oh yeah? What kind of something?" I'm paying attention. Curious.
I sort of waver there, deciding what to say, if anything, about what's going on with me... he's gotta know right? If we're gonna... I mean.
I swallow hard and take a couple of deep difficult breaths, psyching myself up to say something, staring at the ground. Then I tentatively say, "no joke ok? Everyone I get with ends up fucked..." eyes on his, "dead... broken... somethin' going on in my fuckin' head Hadden... breaks people..." I point at my head with a couple of fingers, almost like I'm shootin' myself. Leave my hand there for a couple seconds then lower it.
Finally... ok I said it... ok... I'm breathing hard... this is hard. I probably look frightened.
Brave of her, I see that fear.
A part of me wants to ask about K2, but Silica needs comfort for the now, not me to be a douchebag. I set down the knife and spoon, walk around to her casual but not slow. I'm thinking about Jester's moms... that was some weird shit. "No joke?" I'm talking soft, accepting, listening.
I want to take her in my arms and hold her. She looks like she needs a good cry or a scream. I'll open my arms to her a little, make the offer plain.
His wheels are turning. But he doesn't laugh or freak out... ok. Still lookin' at me, still Hadden.
I keep my eyes on his, "no fuckin' joke." Dead serious, then a little saddish smile. I shrug my shoulders slightly like I don't know what the fuck. My lips are tight like I'm holdin' in something.
He opens his arms but... you know I don't go to people like that... but I keep my eyes on his, both hopeful that he'll come to me, and afraid that he will.
Is it really that hard for her? "Silica, you're making me bongo over here. I don't bite... unless you like it like that." A little smile, trying to get a giggle again.
Hell with it, this isn't a contest of wills right now. I take the few steps to her and draw her close. She's like snow. Maybe she the moth, and I the flame.
I try to think of a few things to say, get her to open up. I'm hoping me right here, holding her, will help. I think of when I pulled her out of a hole dodging snipers... this is the same thing, only different.
I start to say, "that's not f..." but he steps up to hold me. I let him draw me close... he's as warm as I knew he'd be... yeah he smells nice.
I lean into him, side of my face against his chest. Funny I'm thinking of the same moment... how he swooped in to save me from that hole. Unbelievable then... he was some kind of vision then. Now he's a man... I've seen him, ridden with him, teased him and laughed at his bare ass in the snow. Hadden's a man...
But not like any other.
He feels the breath leave me as I sigh into his arms like melting snow. I just raise one hand gently to touch his upper arm, kind of holding on.
Maybe I cry a little... but it don't feel so sad.
I let her cry as she needs. Kiss the top of her head, like I'm here ya dingbat. I hold her up, rock her a tiny bit. She feels lighter and heavier than I remember, which is weird.
Many images swirling through my brain. Trying to think clearly.
"Keep talking. I'm listening." I rub a hand on her back, my chin on her head a little. She feels good, pressed all against me. What does she smell like?
I nuzzle into him, my eyes wet and Hadden can feel a shudder or two but I'm not totally losing it... he rocks me and lifts me up a little which surprises me.
Hadden would smell me, sure... I don't go out of my way but I have been keepin' pretty clean at least so it ain't bad. Little bit of the chemically smell from the ice... which is a little bit like evaporating alcohol, little bit of spice from the cooking stuck to my hair. Is it possible to smell like snow?
I keep talking, my voice small, "all this shit's been happening Hadden... in my fuckin' head... things happenin' to people. I think it's me... I know it... I did somethin' to Kaykay... she said it was fine but it ain't... I made her crazy..." I take a difficult breath as my body shudders a little bit, "Took her home... I don't want to see her any more..."
My hand tightens on Hadden's arm, "tryin' to figure this shit out..." I hold on too tight, probably it hurts and he feels this angry kind of tremor go through me... one of those moments I usually have to hit myself or something to snap out of it.
I let her squeeze, hard as she wants. I feel a bit of fingernail even through my jacket. Is she for real? What did she — could she — do to K2? With her head? And I think of a weird green snowstorm under the ground in a place of the dead... and suddenly I'm less uncertain.
So much shit on the list to get done. Slash and Lemma and Rossi and Tindy and Squirrel and Stalefish... Merrell. Even the damn rice needs to come off the hotplate before it's ruined. Plates, plates, spinning.
I very carefully am not holding her too tight. I half expect she's gonna flip me off, slip away and vanish again. What is is about her?
"Wanna figure it out together?" I offer, gently.
He feels my head nodding, just a little, making a little sounds of agreement, 'yeah....' just a whisper.
I lean against him, feeling just a little weak. I've felt on top of the world since leaving HP's but it's just lyin' to myself. I'm fuckin' worried about what's happening to me and no matter how much I try to distract myself... it fuckin' sucks.